SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

“The presence of healthy boundaries creates more connectedness, intimacy, and unity. The absence of healthy boundaries creates more fragmentation, superficiality, and separation.”

Jan Janssen

Once you have identified the boundaries that are most important for you, next it’s about communicating them. We often think that everyone automatically knows what our boundaries are, but that’s not the case, so it’s important to communicate them openly. For example, if we’re talking about a financial boundary, we might say to our partner, “Please, can we discuss before either of us makes a large purchase over £x?” That is communicating a boundary.

The hardest part, and the part most people struggle with, is upholding your boundaries. Maintaining healthy boundaries requires time, repetition, patience, and consistency.

Upholding personal boundaries is a bit like training a dog. For example, if you set a boundary that your dog should stay off the furniture, you need to consistently communicate this expectation, offer positive reinforcement when the dog complies, and enforce consequences when it doesn’t. In the same way, consistency, adapting, and regular reinforcement is essential for maintaining your own healthy boundaries.

Don’t be afraid to say “no.” If someone tries to push your boundaries, have the confidence to say, “Actually, no, that doesn’t work for me.”

And finally, an essential part of setting healthy boundaries is prioritising yourself and your boundaries. This doesn’t mean you’re going to start just caring about yourself and forgetting everyone else. As we said at the start of this lesson, boundaries are an important element in any and all healthy relationships.

Use the worksheet to help you how you will create and maintain healthy boundaries.