DIVORCE AND CHILDREN

Please note: If you don’t have children, feel free to skip this topic.

We are looking at this topic early in the course because it is a concern that weighs heavily on many parents when thinking about the end of a marriage or relationship – the impact on children. Indeed, the fear of harming your children’s wellbeing can even keep you in a marriage that you’re not happy in. The question arises: Should you stay in a relationship for the sake of the children?

Research suggests that a stable and supportive family environment generally benefits children, but the quality of the parental relationship is equally important. Constant conflict, hostility, and tension in a household can detrimentally affect children, emphasising that the dynamics of the relationship are crucial.

The decision to stay or go becomes even more complicated when we think about how we model relationships for our children. Children observe and learn from their parents, and this shapes their own understanding of relationships. A positive and respectful model fosters a healthy perception, while enduring an unhappy marriage might inadvertently teach our children that they should accept unhappiness in relationships.

Looking at this research can be helpful, but it also emphasises that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Every family’s situation is unique, and it’s crucial to consider what is best for both the children and the wellbeing of the parents. A key takeaway is that open communication with children of all ages is paramount, allowing them to express their feelings and concerns.

In the video, I introduced you to the ACE and PACE frameworks, developed from a large study conducted by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente. These frameworks help us understand the impact childhood experiences, both positive and negative, can have on our children’s wellbeing.

ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences and identifies ten different types of traumatic or stressful experiences that children might encounter while growing up that can have a lasting impact on their health, behaviour, and wellbeing.

The study found that there was a strong correlation between children who experienced four or more Adverse Childhood Experiences and various negative health outcomes later in life.

While the ACE framework can seem a little terrifying, as it clearly identifies divorce and separation as childhood trauma, it also helps us to put it in perspective. The correlation was shown between four or more ACEs and negative health outcomes; therefore, there was not a correlation between divorce and separation alone, as one ACE, and long-term negative effects.

The PACE model expands on the ACE framework by recognising the significance of positive experiences during childhood, in addition to negative ones.

PACE stands for Protect against Adverse Childhood Experiences.

The PACE model emphasises that positive elements in a child’s environment can help protect them from any negative experiences they may encounter.

Understanding the findings from this study will help you acknowledge and gain perspective on the impact divorce and separation can have on children, as well as recognise steps that can be put in place to minimise or offset any impact.

There are perhaps two key things to remember: 1. that we need to be mindful of the impact remaining in a toxic relationship can have on our children, and 2. that if we do decide to divorce or separate, although this is an adverse experience for children, it is possible to create positive experiences to counteract this that will act as protective factors and provide children with increased resilience.