ATTACHMENT STYLE

We’ve been focusing on those formative years and how they shaped our core story. Let’s stick with that timeframe for a little longer and start to think about your attachment style.

John Bowlby is probably best known as the originator of attachment theory and how our relationship with our earliest caregiver (usually, but not always, mother), affects our attachment style, which in turn influences how we form and keep relationships throughout our lives. 

Attachment theory begins with the idea that infants naturally seek closeness and comfort from their caregivers, usually their parents. This emotional bond is crucial for their survival and development.

Understanding which attachment type you are will help you understand your own needs and identify those of your partner.

Bowlby identified 4 different attachment styles:

Secure Attachment

If caregivers give consistent responses to the baby’s needs, creating a sense of safety and trust, the baby tends to grow up to be confident and comfortable in relationships.

Securely attached individuals tend to have a positive view of themselves and others. They are comfortable with intimacy, balance their independence with connection, and are adept at expressing their emotions and needs. Their ability to communicate openly and establish trust forms the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Secure individuals are often attracted to others with similar qualities, as these relationships offer mutual support, emotional intimacy, and a sense of stability. 

You can communicate openly and directly with someone with a secure attachment style. They appreciate clear communication, active listening, and mutual respect. They can share thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and doing so will strengthen the relationship.

Anxious Attachment

If the primary carer is inconsistent in responding to the baby’s needs, the baby feels uncertain and anxious.  These babies tend to be clingy and worried about rejection.

People with an anxious attachment style typically crave closeness and validation from their partners. They may feel anxious about their partner’s availability and worry about rejection.

Paradoxically, anxious individuals can be drawn to avoidant partners due to the challenge presented by their partner’s emotional unavailability. This seemingly counterintuitive attraction can be attributed to the anxious individual’s desire to “win over” their partner’s affection, in the hopes of finally receiving the emotional responsiveness they seek. However, this pairing can lead to a cycle of frustration and unmet needs if not addressed through communication and understanding.

When communicating with someone with an anxious attachment style, try to be as responsive and attentive as possible.  Anxious attachment types need their feelings validated and reassured.  Set yourself realistic boundaries, but let them know that space does not mean rejection.  Communicate your affection and commitment on a regular basis.

Avoidant Attachment

If the caregiver is distant, unresponsive, and cold, the baby tends to learn to fend for itself, learning only to rely on itself and becoming very independent.  These babies may well struggle with emotional intimacy.

Avoidantly attached individuals value their independence and may find it challenging to fully engage in emotional intimacy. They may feel uncomfortable with excessive emotional closeness and tend to prioritise self-sufficiency.

Interestingly, avoidant individuals can be drawn to anxious partners, as the latter’s eagerness for closeness might not trigger the avoidant individual’s fear of engulfment. This pairing allows the avoidant individual to maintain a degree of distance while still feeling needed and desired by their partner. However, navigating this dynamic requires both partners to find a balance that respects each other’s needs for space and connection.

For these types, it is generally best to keep communication light and non-confrontational.  Respect their need for personal space and independence.  Give them time to process their feelings and thoughts before expecting answers.  Avoid pushing for emotional conversations – they will run away!

Disorganised Attachment

The caregiver’s behaviour may be erratic or even frightening; this leaves the baby confused and unsure of how to respond.  They may be frightened and often show chaotic behaviour in their future relationships.

You need a lot of patience and understanding when communicating with someone with a disorganised attachment style.  Try to make them feel safe and be non-judgmental where you can.  This will create an environment where they are able to express their thoughts and feelings.  Try to give them space, but also show them your support.  It is best to avoid overwhelming them with emotional demands.

Use the worksheet to help you think about how your attachment style impacts your relationship.

Successful relationships tend to involve partners recognising their own attachment style and that of their partner.  Good communication, empathy, and a willingness to understand each other’s needs can pave the way for a more secure and fulfilling bond.  By acknowledging the complexities of attachment and their influence on attraction, individuals can work towards creating relationships that are supportive and loving.